Mommy Guilt: Let's Get Real!

This is to all the moms out there, but especially to my fellow special needs moms.  Parenting is hard.  Raising ANY child is an exhausting challenge, but for those of us raising children with autism or other special needs, the struggle is that much MORE. In fact, research suggests that autism moms  experience chronic stress comparable to combat soldiers and struggle with frequent fatigue and work interruptions.  No wonder I am always so tired and frustrated!



The fact of the matter is, we moms always put everyone else first.  Its what we do.  It's what's EXPECTED of us!  We have the life of another human being hanging in the balance, dependent on us to make sure their needs are met.  This is an awesome and humbling responsibility.  But what happens when the responsibility is overwhelming, when it becomes too much, when we lose ourselves?

Enter Mommy Guilt.  We feel like we have to have it all together, like we are the only ones who aren't perfect.  We constantly compare ourselves to other mommies and find ourselves lacking.  You've seen her, the mom at school drop off who is showered, perfect makeup, not a hair out of place, ready to step onto the pages of Mommy Magazine.  She hands her kids their healthy, homemade lunch in a cute little lunchbox with a love note inside.  She smiles at her children and kisses them goodbye.  The children wave happily and skip away to enjoy another day of school.

Then you get a glimpse into my car.  If my kids have a home made lunch, it is packed in a ripped and dirty lunchbox, and is usually comprised of whatever they didn't eat the day before, because, hey, we can't be wasteful!  My daughter is complaining that she feels sick (again) and my son is stressed because he has a test he didn't have time to study for.  I raise my voice (because yelling is not appropriate) and tell them both to suck it up and get out of the car because mama's got to get to work.  Yep, mommy of the year.  Then I drive away feeling guilty because I don't measure up to Model Mommy.

Add onto that the fact that  before we even got out of the house, I had to constantly remind my son with autism to finish his breakfast, wear underwear under his clothes, put clothes over his underwear, make sure the homework and text books made it back into his backpack after last night's three hour homework fiasco (if he even remembered to bring his backpack home from school), AND put on deodorant so he won't stink his teacher out of the classroom.  And, God forbid we should be "off schedule" because that produces so much anxiety that we are on the verge of a good old fashioned autistic meltdown.

Moms, let's cut it out!!!  Cut yourself some slack.  You are doing a good job.  The kids are alive, fed, reasonably clean and happy most of the time.  Now what about YOU?  Can you say YOU are alive, fed, reasonably clean and happy most of the time?  Chances are the answer to that question is mostly no.  Are you engaging in things that make you feel alive, or are you just getting through the day?  Are you eating a healthy, balanced diet that fuels your body, or are you grabbing whatever leftovers are on your kid's plate?  Are you taking care of your appearance in a way that makes you feel good about yourself, or are you stuck in last night's dirty pjs (the ones that hide your muffin top) with your unwashed hair piled on top of your head?  Are you happy?

If you are, great!  If you are not, then this is for you.  Take care of yourself.  Take time to eat healthy, to exercise, to do the things that make you YOU.  We think that by taking care of ourselves, we are shortchanging the ones around us who we are charged with taking care of.  However, the opposite is true.  If you are not physically healthy, if you are not doing the things that make you happy, if you are not finding fulfillment and individuality in your every day life, then you are not going to be able to give anyone else what they need. 

I used to laugh bitterly when people told me that I needed to take some "me" time.  I mean, were these people KIDDING?  WHEN, exactly was I supposed to fit time in for myself when everyone else's needs were so demanding and time-consuming?  The answer: I literally had to schedule it in.  I put it in my calendar like an appointment with myself.  4:45am: workout.  Sunday from 3:00-4:00: Healthy meal prep for the week.  Monday at 8:00pm: dance class (because dancing makes me feel alive).  Do it.  Make appointments with yourself.  Start with one.  Just a half an hour to do something that will make you healthier and happier. Don't roll your eyes at me.  Just do it.  You (and your family) will be glad you did.

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